


Nice Valentine, Asshole

by TyrantTirade



Series: Holiday Meet-Cute's! [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Accidental dick talk, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Office, Coffee, Confusion, Gay Bucky Barnes, M/M, Meet-Cute, Stupid shit, Texting, Wrong number
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 01:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13671420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TyrantTirade/pseuds/TyrantTirade
Summary: The last thing Steve expects in his workplace at eleven A.M is a text message by an unknown number, that contains a picture of a heart, that reads, “Nice dick, asshole.”





	Nice Valentine, Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not have sent someone a bunch of these [Pornhubcommentsonvalentines](http://pornhubcommentsonvalentines.tumblr.com) and they may or may not have said, write a fic, and i may or may not have done just that.
> 
> For this one in particular-
> 
>  

The last thing Steve expects in his workplace at eleven A.M is a text message by an unknown number, that contains a picture of a heart, that reads, “Nice dick, asshole.” 

But...That's exactly what he gets.

He's spent most of his day stumbling around, trying his best to go unnoticed or at least ignored, hoping the day goes by. He's not even denying being grumpy. Partially he's been blaming it on being a wednesday, midweek drag, like the weekend can't come fast enough. The comfort of his bed a hell of a lot better than a stupid chair. 

But mostly he knows he can blame his shit mood on the holiday. 

Valentines day can eat his ass.

...That is, until he gets that text. His dick loves compliments. 

Grinning, Steve pulls up the messages from said number, noting that there's only five previous texts, including the picture-

Hey this is Barnes whats the printer wifi password?

The buildings name followed by 22

Cool thank you

No problem

It takes him a few seconds to think about it...Barnes? Who in the fuck is Barnes? He wonders. 

Context clues, Steve, context clues. 

Steve tilts his eyes up, glaring at the blankness of the ceiling to think about it. Barnes, he repeats in his mind. Clearly it's a coworker. He tries to think of who might have asked him that. 

Granted, he recalls the texts, he clearly recalls answering the question. But it's not like he knew who he was answering. Just, what, he was answering to. 

One by one he lists off his co-workers but still a few minutes later there's nothing, his mind comes up blank and empty and he thinks, maybe he's going brain dead from the mundaneness of work.

That would make sense. 

—  
A couple hours into the day and Steve's crashing hard. 

One minute he's typing something out on his keyboard and the next his face is buried into his palms and the last time he checked the clock said 1:15 and now its 1:27 and...he needs something. Coffee. A nap. Coffee.  
Slowly he lugs his heavy body out of his seat and smooths his hair back with his palm to level himself before heading for the breakroom. 

Walking actually gives him the realization of how bright the lights are he hates it, the awful fluorescence. 

However, once he rounds the corner into the breakroom, he feels a relieved sigh slip out of him, the smell of coffee alone like a line of coke, he's wide awake. 

Not that he does coke...Just that once. 

He walks in, sniffing in the soft smell of coffee grounds and wishing he could live in that smell and he lets out a borderline moan before he realizes that he isn't alone. 

Oops. 

A guy that he's seen around, but never really spoken to, James? He thinks. Turns towards him, grinning. 

He's a fucking piece though, Steve doesn't know the guy at all but he does know that he's a pretty good view. All lean and soft and pretty, with a smile that makes Steve want to smile back and...he probably wouldn't mind fucking that, probably wouldn't mind at all. 

James lifts his mug, nodding at the coffee maker before saying, “I made some coffee- if you'd like some.” 

His voice is soft, sort of timid and Steve feels himself get all warm from it. He walks towards the fresh pot of coffee, saying, “Yeah, thanks man.” 

Steve's a simple guy, especially when it comes to his coffee. The pot is hot, nice and fresh and that almost pushes another stupid moan out of him. Quickly he stirs in a few packets of sugar and a little cup of creamer and that's pretty much all he needs.

He turns, leaning his ass against the counter and takes the first sip, burning the everloving shit out of his tongue in the process. But still, he manages to groan at how satisfying it is. 

Across from him James lets out a muffled laugh and that makes Steve realize how ridiculous he's probably being. 

What a loser. 

He feels his ears get red and sets the cup down, asking, “What?” even if he knows damn well. 

“Long day?” James asks. Steve can't help but notice a stray strand of hair hanging against his forehead, fallen out of his stupid coif and Steve can physically feel how pretty he is. 

“If there's two things in life i strongly dislike, its working, and romance.” 

“You dont like romance?” James asks in mock surprise, his voice pitching up towards the end. 

Steve shakes his head, “I know, insane right.” 

He expects James to ask him why or something, maybe ask him about a girlfriend. But instead, suddenly his hand comes out, offering a shake. “Your name's Steve right?” 

Steve nods and takes in his hand, shaking it with as much professionalism as he can manage, “Rogers, yeah. And you're-”

“James-” he starts, finally letting go of Steves palm to tuck his hand into his pocket. 

Steve grabs his mug, taking as sip as he continues, “James Barnes. But i go by Bucky.” 

Taken by surprise, Steve can't suppress a laugh, coffee in his mouth, splattering down his jaw and back into his, now ruined, cup of coffee. His eyes open wide and looking at James, so do his. 

Steve scrambles to set his cup down, yanking some paper towels off of a roll as James gawks at him like he's a fucking maniac. 

“Sorry,” Steve apologizes, mostly for looking like an idiot. He wipes his face, thankful that his shirt is a dark color, as he tries to blot out some of the mess on his chest. 

Barnes grins, amused, “You alright?” he asks. 

Steve nods, reaching in to grab at Barnes’ shoulder. 

“Nice dick, asshole?” Steve says, not even questioning why Bucky, a complete stranger sent it to him. 

He expects him to Blush, maybe look away embarrassed like a little school girl and confess his obvious flirtation. But instead he just scowls, looking at Steve like he's even fucking crazier than he already feels. Which is quite a feat. 

“What?” Bucky asks, confused, the expression on his face reading violated. Because of course that wasn't him, of course Steve totally just sounded like he told this poor, innocent, beautiful, professional dude that he has a nice dick for no reason at all.

Suddenly Steve feels like a total fucking creep. He briefly registers that his mouth has been open, staring, hand squeezing Bucky's shoulder for a solid ten seconds.

And- oh fuck, he thinks. Why in the fuck did he say that? Why in the fuck did he even think that would be the right thing to say. Barnes could be anyone. Barnes is a common last name. There could be a dozen other Barnes at his work. A dozen other Barnes that might need the printer password in the department and…

God- what an idiot. 

“Um,” Steve sputters, “Sorry, im so sorry that was way out of turn. I- Have a good day,” he babbles, pouring the mess of coffee he had down the drain of the sink before turning to leave. Hoping that Barnes doesnt try to file sexual harassment on him or something. 

—  
Two hours later, the coffee has absolutely not done its job. Now he's crashing- actually no, he's plummeting, and to make things worse he's fucking humiliated. 

Every ten seconds he groans and tries to smother his face in his hands to block out how stupid he feels. 

It doesn't really work sadly. 

He lets his hands rub heavily over his eyes, trying between stressing, to type out a letter.

Without warning, fingers digging into his temple, he hears a knock at his door. 

Stifling a groan, It takes him a second or two to straighten up, knowing his eyes are probably red. 

But still, he straightens his shirt and tie and clears his throat before saying as clearly as he can manage, “Come on in.”

The door opens slowly, timidly, and Steve feels his heart race as Bucky steps in. 

Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Steve feels himself go rigid, knowing what's going to happen. James will threaten him, maybe ask for a raise that Steve cant even give him just for his silence. God, Steve can't stop thinking about how much of an idiot he is. 

Slowly, Bucky shuts the door behind him, asking lightly if he can have a seat, which Steve reluctantly agrees on. 

Steve can feel his whole body tense, everything, ass and all and he secretly clutches at his pant legs under his desk, waiting for his demise. 

“So,” Bucky starts. 

Steves ready, he thinks, he's ready to pay for his stupidity. 

“I apologize for that text-” Bucky blurts, “That was not meant for you and i didn't realize I even sent it until i checked and i thought in the lounge that what you said was just irony and-” 

“Wait,” Steve interrupts, wondering why this is the first thing that comes to mind, “So you didn't mean to send that to me?” 

“No,” Bucky answers sincerely, “Why would i send that to you?” 

Well, Steve realizes that he has a point, it's not like he has actually seen his dick. 

“That was supposed to go to this guy I- yeah i should probably shut up because you don't need that information.” Bucky's whole face gets red and he fiddles with a button on his shirt and Steve can't help but think he's adorable. 

“Is he your little Valentine?” Steve teases

Barnes shoots his head up, shaking it quickly. “No,” he states bluntly, “Absolutely not. I mean, he just- he has a nice dick...He's just an asshole.” 

Steve cant help himself from barking out a laugh, “Well, that would make sense.”

Bucky smiles, teeth shiny, and Steve doesn't even know him but he wants to kiss him. What a loser. 

“Yeah,” Bucky says, “No valentine.” 

“Hmm,” Steve hums thoughtfully, considering just having Barnes go on his way. But then he blurts, uncontrolled, “Would you be disappointed if you suddenly got one?” 

Barnes blinks, grinning slowly, “Thought you weren't romantic?” 

“Not me,” Steve lies, “I heard Veronica from HR is single and ready to mingle.” 

Bucky laughs, stupidly loud, “Did you even pay attention to the fact that I'm clearly into dick?” 

Steve feels himself smile, wanting more and more to kiss the stupid guy in front of him. “Are you also into shitty homemade stirfry and netflix?” he asks on a whim.

Bucky relaxes into his seat, grinning stupidly, “Im very into those things.” he agrees, looking like the most perfect thing that Steves ever seen.

“So if i text you my address you'll come by and I won't have to hate romance alone?” 

“Thought you were about to ask me to be your Valentine's day date?” Bucky teases.

Steve rolls his eyes, “Did you not pay attention to the fact that I hate valentines day?” 

—  
Still, that night after Bucky leaves, Steve gets a text, the same valentines day card from earlier that says, “Nice dick, asshole.” 

But this time it's followed by another text that says, “Just sending this again since I can actually confirm it now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy valentines day!
> 
> Comments and kudos as always are appreciated!
> 
> Here's my [Tumblr!](http://tyranttirade.tumblr.com)


End file.
